anthony_is_lame

Tonight was nice. It was the first time in months I've been really happy.

I saw the milky way. <3

I also saw the Northern Cross, Orion, the bear, and the rabbit.

Ryan had to mention how far he's gotten with Katie. When we got in the cars, I told Ross and BJ how much I wanted to gut him just then, but other than that one thing, the night was awesome.

I wish Vegas wasn't so bright.
I wish I didn't get motion sickness.
I wish I could be an astronaut.
I wish we could fly to different galaxies.

I'm ready for an adventure.

Rachel, Jen, and Soraya.... we have our share of drama, but no matter what happens with us, I'm always going to be here for all of you. I don't really think anything (save maybe you murdering me or someone I like) that will make me stop loving any of you. Even if I'm mad and say I can't stand you.... there will always be a love there.

The other day I went to the park by Bruner.... I couldn't help but think of Anthony. I miss who we were, but I don't want him back. Not now. We don't fit anymore.
It was the location of our first kiss. I was so shy and so happy and nervous.... he was the boy I had liked for so long, and he was my boyfriend. It wasn't our best: I remember it being a bit awkward and clumsey, and he hated the sour apple lip gloss I had on. He said it made his lips feel funny. Yeah, it wasn't the best kiss, but I remember melting. We went back home that night and made out for at least three hours. He made fun of me for killing his jaw. After a while I remember my mom asking us to take it in the front room, and we obliged, but we still sat ony the green couch by the door, doing what we did best in our relationship. I remember every detail of the moment, but mostly what he said. It was the hardest thing to watch him leave that night.
How did we get to this place, Anthony? Have we really changed so much?
I'm fine with us not being together anymore, but we've deffinately lost what we had.... and I don't think it's coming back. I don't have it in me to try.

Ugh.
So I go over to Ryan's house tonight, in a great mood. I got new clothes and I looked good, so I was really happy. Ryan is hella flirting, like usual, and I'm totally cool with that.

Then we go to Soraya's.
Dude.
I love Katie.
But.
I'm very territorial, and he likes her, so, what to do?
We go to KFC, and he's all over her the entire time. In Albertsons, they are all over eachother.
I want to kill myself.
I want to kill them.
We want to go to the park so Ross can streak for us.
BJ goes to get them, but comes down seconds later and says we should just leave.
I ask what they were doing in the car, and she turns the music up, avoiding my question.
Again, I want to hang myself.
One can only assume with her hurried pace downstairs and avoiding my question that they were making out.
FANTASTIC.
If they're together, fine.
He just flirts with me, and he has to know I like him, it's fucking obvious, I know he's not my boyfriend, but IT FUCKING HURTS.

Siul really cheered me up today. :)

My Bulletin:

"Tonight's full moon is the biggest of 2006. Why, you may ask? Because the moon's rotation is lopsided! Bet you didn't know that. I did, because I'm awesome.
Oh, and a heads up, this isn't the Harvest Moon, for those IDIOTS who think it is. The Harvest Moon is the full moon that falls closest to the autumnal equinox, which is on September 23rd this year, so the Harvest Moon will be on October 7th.

By the way, I just told you all of this while snorting and giggling. I also pushed my glasses up a few times.

The more you know....."

His reply:

"HAA HAA HAA!!! The fact that you know this astonishes me!!! Thats awesome!!! haa haaah aaa!! BUt WHY!!!?!?!?!? HAA HAA!!!

- §!uL"

My reply:

"Dude, I am FILLED with obscure scientific facts. This though, comes from a space weather news letter I signed up for. I get it every other day (don't judge me)."

And what cheered me up:

"Who could judge another for being nothing less then amazing!! haa haa"

It was hella sweet.

Everyone just go on blowing me off.
No call.
Not even a damn messege.
I'm not worth it.

No one ever thought I was.

So, Shake has been acting really weird lately. He won't stop talking to me, he has more than his regular share of energy, and last night, he kneeded me. He never does that. He's also been giving me kisses, which he never does. I mean, I don't really know where I'm going with this information, but if you know my pets like I do, it's strange.

I love jazz singers.
Listening to it in the rain is awesome. I wish I had someone here to listen to it with me though.
The depression is waning for now... I think the rain helps. It makes me happy.

I'm going to go make popcorn and watch a movie.

I think I'm going to take singing lessons or dancing lessons next semester.
We shall see.

So, I don't really see a break in this depression.... but I have found that science will occupy my time until I die.....
I love it. I love astronomy, biology, physics, chemistry.... I love it all. I mean, I'm horrible at math, but with time I want to get waaaay better. The earth is so amazing and beautiful, and to me, life is worth living to at least explore all you can. Who cares if there is anything else after death? To me, exploring space or the depths of the ocean is the big "meaning." So, yeah, after my four years of college, I'm going to explore. Even before graduation, I'm looking into studying abroad. Canada looks good, but something more exotic to me, like Europe or South America, looks even better.
Hurrah for the future.

I'm having an episode right now.
I recognise it.
Hoping it won't last much longer.

Soraya's dad has this musician on his Myspace, Lux, who is not one of my friends.... She's awesome.
She has this song, and it's pretty much how I felt/still kind of feel about Anthony:

"there's something in the way you look at me
a part of you you don't want me to see
distracted by the voices in your head
you keep it cold
you'll never know you're numb
all i want to do is set you free
but i can't seem to make you run to me
i can't hold back and i can't let go cause you make me feel alive
open your eyes
there's something in the way that you can't see
the part of you attached to part of me
the life you choose to live with eyes closed
you think it works cause it doesn't hurt
but it doesn't hurt cause you're numb"

It's good.

I miss my cat.
I miss how things used to be.
I miss me.

This is how my life is going to be from now on.
I'm miserable. Miserable enough to want to die, but I'll never do it because I know life has it's good points... but as a whole.... things suck.
I'm so pathetic telling everyone else that they don't need someone to make thier life worth living, and I turn around and dispise the fact that I'm single... so much that if Rob came back right now, I'd probably fall for him all over again.

I'm pissed right now because I do like Ryan, but I know the day will never come when he likes me back. Not just because I'm unattractive, but because of my personality as a whole. Anthony was right when he said I wasn't a dreamer. That in no way excuses what he did, but he had a massive point that I've been ignoring for years. I can't dream about things because all I see infront of me is reality and a huge let down. And who wants to be with someone like that? I'm so depressing all of the time, and I'm needy and clingy and paranoid. I'm never going to be happy so I'm just going to dwell in my own self pitty until my heart stops and my family puts me in the ground.

My meds are not working at all, which just means that they are going to have to up the dose again until that stops working and then what? It's just the same pattern and nothing is going to fix me. I try in therapy and it doesn't work for me. God, this just sucks. I need the world to end already.

Ok, so, I'm hella dumb.
I just sent a letter to Ryan.
Telling him I like him.
Like an idiot.
He doesn't like me.
There's no way to get that letter back.
I suck.
What the fuck was I thinking?
Like he's going to call me in the morning and tell me how much he loves me.
God, I'm going to die alone.... well, with 50 cats, but no other people.
I'll leave my "estate" to my cats.
Jesus.
I can't breathe.
I'm not good enough.
I'm crazy and I can't have a good relationship.
I do stuff like this, which proves my point on how I'm crazy.
Casey rejected me, so will he.
DAMNIT.

Where did summer go?

It was waaaaay too short, man.

I'm really sad lately.... not "ready to kill myself" sad.... but sad. And bitter about being single. I'm trying to be ok with it, because boys should not be the only thing on my mind (especially stupid ones I won't mention) but god, I'm so lonely lately. It's nothing you haven't heard. Jen has Ryan, Soraya and Anthonio, Soraya has the guys because yes, I know them, I love them, but I'm not a close one in their group. They aren't the close friends I'd share secrets with, nor will they tell me anything that's too personal. Rachel is all the way in Reno, and again, I'm good friends with Amber (also in Reno), but we aren't they types that talk on the phone. Jessica and Matt are there every now and then, but I don't always trust them with everything, and they never call me.

No one needs to drop their shit and hang out with me, because I want everyone to keep doing what their doing, I just miss the comradery of that one person to talk to or see day after day. I miss the connection. Not that I don't feel connected to Jen, Soraya, or Rachel, but you got your own lives now, lol. I'm happy, but I wish I had that. I'm jealous. Plain as day.

So this isn't something that's spawned from Iggy's disappearance, it's been going on for months. Basically since the Musketeers sort of drifted behind us... I'm not ready for adulthood, or independence, as much as I think.... being a grown up doesn't look fun. It looks lonely. Sure,in a year, I'll hopefully move in with Jen and Ryan, and things will be good for a while. But then there is going to be actually going to a college, not in Nevada, so I can become a zoologist. If I live on campus, let's face it, how likely is it that I will really like my roomate? How often do I ever like new people? But if I live alone.... I'll be alone. Just me and my pets.

Cat lady, make room. I'm moving in with you.

I can't like someone beyond the point of just wanting to look at them and possibly have sex with them.

I obsess. Not in a way that I drive by their houses and send gifts and try to kill them if they don't want me, but from the moment I realize how much I like them, I just can't stop picking at every detail.

I've given in to the idea of liking Ryan. Now I already want to date him, write him to see how he feels, I think he hates me, he'd never date me,but what if he likes me too, I know he doesn't, and I can't breathe. This is why I can't like people. I turn psycho. Do other people get this way???? I'm a nut job.

I have a million questions already about our "relationship" that's not anywhere near existing.

UGH. Sometimes I suck.

It's almost time again for my favorite time of year--- NIP/TUCK SEASON!
We're running on season 4 of my favorite show EVER and I couldn't be more excited. I already started reading spoilers for the coming months and I swear I had a few heart attacks.



Remind me again of any man hotter than him?

We've had a very long and interesting relationship.

I believe in you, doubt you, and don't believe in you at all, all at once. If in fact you do exist, you've delt me some pretty shitty cards. You've made me fat and hate myself, you made my childhood pretty much miserable, I have no luck with boys or girls, I have a history of picking guys that treat me like shit, I'm not smart, the only sense of humor I have is a dark and depressing one, you couldn't have taken Great Grandma at a worse time, you let my best friend kill himself, and you took Harley. He was my baby for twelve years, and you gave him cancer. Now, there is Iggy. Harley died peacefully. A doctor took away his pain, and yes, it hurt like hell to see him go, but I knew he was going to be ok. This isn't Iggy's case. I don't know where he is, if he's safe, hungry, or hurt, or even if he is alive. My kitty, my baby, my CHILD could be dead on the side of the road somewhere because some asshole didn't care.... he could be bitten by a snake or a spider, he could have been shot.... he could have been a lot of things. Not only did you rip him from me, but you are constantly filling my head with the worst possible scenarios. Is he safe? If you are so infinate, why not share some god damn happiness once in a while? Even if the devil is the one doing all of these evil things, you have, you always have had, the power to stop him. I say bullshit to you not wanting to show your powers all of the time. YOU'RE GOD. Why not?

You've taken him, and now I'm alone. I can't talk to my parents, Soraya's always busy, Jen's always busy, Rachel hates me, and let's not even talk about Anthony. Who do I have? They are my only close friends.


I'm alone.


If you exist, I know how I feel about you. I hate you, God. With every passion in my body, I hate you. No matter how much I want my baby back, I just want you to keep him safe. He's scared and alone out there, and he doesn't deserve to die.

I miss my Iggy.

BITCHMUTHAFUCKER.

And with that, my life is complete.
Jen and Ryan do kick a lot of ass. I think I'll enjoy living with them. Jen won't like it though, thanks to my full understanding of why it is so enjoyable to tease the shit out of her.